Staring out the window
the water mint-green still against the pinkish,
purplish hues of the sky
as the sun slow waltzed by herself
her rays soft and gentle as she makes her exit from the sky
music blaring from seemingly everywhere
driving towards downtown Wellington
and I was thinking nothing
just the sweet, serene beauty of the land in front of me
feeling, impossibly safe
I thought of nothing.
I almost forget
especially at times when I’m contemplating
about packing up my things and leaving
when I’m thinking about how much more
I can no longer bear
when I’m thinking about how life is going to be
for my son
if it’s just the two of us
when I’m thinking about the dwindling
money in my savings accounts
and wondering if it’s going to be enough
the moment I decide it’s time to go
I almost forget
The way you fell down to your knees
crumbled
for the first time in our lives, you were helpless
and we both knew neither of us
had power over this single, most important thing in our lives
how you seemed so childlike in your vulnerability
when you dissolved into liquid
the moment you entered the operating room
and I whispered,
“They only have five minutes to save the baby!”
and we sobbed together,
foreheads touching,
I could feel your whole body shaking as I gripped your hand
while they tore my body apart
I was screaming in pain and you were screaming with me
helpless together, powerless together
perhaps one of the only times in our relationship
wherein we were truly, in every way
EQUAL
and how our screaming turned into laughter
laughter that felt so much more than any kind of happiness
or love or rapture I have ever felt —
laughter that transcended outside of me–
if there was a heaven or a god
it would be this–
–it would be in this laugh that we shared
the moment we heard our son cry for the first time–
–and though I swam in and out of consciousness
and though pain blinded my vision and took over my senses,
I felt your forehead pressed against mine
and gripped your hand so tight, we felt like one
I almost forget this moment —
the moment I didn’t need anything else but this —
because this was enough to feel happiness, to feel loved —
this was enough to know without doubt
we made the right decision
in choosing each other.
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