Yes, I missed a day, but I decided not to be too harsh on myself – I did have quite a horrible day yesterday.
Instead of dwelling on the bad stuff, I’ll talk about the good stuff.
I like my driving instructor and actually had fun. I was anxious about the fact that he was male, but he made me feel confident and kept talking the entire time. I booked another session with him next week.
I received a message that made me smile.
I liked it so much that I waited until the absolute last minute before responding to it, wanting to relish in the possibilities of what that message could reveal. I like to stretch magic out to longer moments, so that I can delay that second when all that seemed possible gets whittled down to nothing.
My son crawled unto my bed at 5 am and he read his book quietly while I slept. Then we listened to his music until 6:30 am, before I finally dragged both of us out of bed.
I feel fatigue creeping into my skin and settling on my bones. Today marks a year of when I started my journal, as part of my recovery. How can it feel like this year was so short, yet I can’t even describe how vastly different my life is now compared to how it was before?
I have so many favourite moments but what I can’t stop thinking about is this: how the brightness of your eyes shocked me completely, how it forced my back against the wall until I could retreat nor surrender no longer. I had to turn away – out of instinct or fear, I’m not sure – all I know is that this year I encountered the kind of beauty that blinds, like the second you allowed curiosity to win over your common sense and you stared directly at the sun, as if it was a splendor that could be challenged, as if it was a miracle that could be owned.
Though I know these kinds of moments are rare exactly because it is fleeting and too fantastical to be grounded in reality, I like to recall the saying, you are what you love, not what loves you, for I can forever find comfort in these words – and the bittersweet pain that comes with this yearning and limerence, somehow becomes a bit more bearable, enough to justify the dream to go on just a second longer.
for #NanoPoblano2025
NanoPoblano is the world’s least official November blog challenge. Participants and supporters are called Cheer Peppers. 🌶️🎉 The BIG goal is 30 posts in 30 days. You can share your goal and your progress and your posts on the Facebook group at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1336744293025187/
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